Making Our House Home

I've never really felt at home anywhere I've called home. Even as I child I remember just wanting to be on the road or en route to somewhere other than where I was. I am kind of a nomad at heart. I've been mostly stationary for over 8 years, and I really had an angst to just get out of here. No, I don't like Denver. Denver has it's grips on me! Every time I plan to leave something drastic happens here be it good bad or indifferent.

This time the drastic thing is a child, yep a boy named Rhyder. I love the crazy of that boy! What did I do to deserve such a blessing.

Nick had his first Father's day this past Sunday. We went to Dickies BBQ. While we were there it dawned on me... that is were we ended with Lex... new beginnings same place. I serve a God of restoration. Lex and Rhyder are very different but so similar.

We made some safety changes to the house all with the help of my friends though my Go Fund Me and I thank you so much!

Waiting to Adopt

There have been many people to step up and try to give us a baby. Nick and my journey is a long 8 years worth of heartache in the baby factor. The first one was from a friend who was in an awkward situation and she decided to keep the baby. Next we were in a severe financial hardship with a decent plan to get out of our situation. A friend introduced me to a pregnant teen who did not like the place where we were living. Another young friend wants to be our surrogate. We had a wonderful experience with a little boy who lived with us for 5 months, he was nonverbal and autistic. We loved him until we found out we were just unpaid babysitters for him when we were told no one wanted him. I still love my boy. Then a sweet girl was introduced to me by a cousin and she was going to "give us a chance" but they already were close to a family who checked on her more often.

I did not want to be a chance. I did not want a possibility, I wanted our children.  I used to hold on to our boy's orange Toy Story shirt and cry. My husband and I have been pregnant 6 possibly 7 times. I feel I've failed Nick as a wife at times because the deaths of our children is my body's fault. I am also chronically ill with autoimmune diseases, there have been hard days. I feel it is all getting better now.

I wave had plenty of time to gather things a baby would need every pregnancy I would try to buy 2 outfits in faith. I also have crocheted blankets in various stages of completion (I may just finish them.) Look, I have a crib, a bassinet, a tub, a sling, even a breast pump! So we are prepared and but not ready for a child... but we are!

          Here are some reasons why we are ready

• God has our back and will not give us a child if He does not trust us with a child.
• We have all the needs or the means to get them now. Now we have a business and a salaried manager position. A house we rent and may buy. A recording studio. Before we had a low paying full-time job and rented a basement with spider dramas playing out before my eyes... I had a few music students that income would make up for the food we didn't get from a close friend. I was very ill at the time and most of Nick's income went to rent and co-pays. The owner of the house yelled at us EARLY in the evening for playing music... my livelihood HAHA. We rented a room in a house with 3 guys; musician, alcoholic and introvert, 2 dogs and a ton of visitors. I did not mind anything even the ill working shower... the naked alcoholic was sleepwalking into our room!! I was also allergic to the dogs. 
• I feel like the pied piper of kiddos, they follow me and feel free to go nuts (within reason) and I love it.
• We have the space.

• We have been praying for our family to be complete.   
  
  
  Here are some reasons why we are not prepared
   
• We need to make a room for him where we have a crib full of  baby/child items, a desk, and a dinning room table. 
• I want 1 surgery for my health and an insulin pump with a CGM.
• The yard is a jungle.
• We have so much junk.

Now we have an opportunity to adopt a little 4 year old boy. We've hung out with him a few times and take him to church with us. He has issues and needs intensive therapy. We love this boy. He feels like ours we love him like ours. I know, I know... I love all children deeply, this is a deep Feeling a God Feeling. Even if it is temporary I will love him like this mama can.

We are waiting on the call... so emotionally and anxiously waiting to say welcome home son, let's play cars.

Love

Why does it take a tragedy to bring yourself to remember that you can love. Why does life have to end to see how much you needed them... I am praying for all who were involved in last nights shootings.

Crescendo

I feel like a fermata, I just want to be held. But after last nights service, I am climbing up out of this thought process and ready to prepare for what is next. You know how children when they don't want to go anywhere they just go limp and dead weight and expect not to be moved even though they only weigh 30lbs...... I think I did that for a while. I just went limp and I did nothing to better the situation and only floated on the current even though it was taking me to a dark place.
My show on stageit.com is today so I must prepare.

Complain alert

I want to start anew. I want to give my heart a voice at times. I want to share Ideas. I want my dreams to awaken. I want to hear from you, my friends. I will give you an opening to my thoughts and soul's desires. Yes it's all about me... and you.

Music and my journey with my physical limitations.... hmmm a little hard to stomach today. I just began to get my "chops" back and then a had a relapse with Behcet's disease. I am swollen, my joints ache, I want to sleep and just stay home, I am depressed and just all around angry! Ok yes, I know I can overcome this as there were many other healings throughout my life and times but I had to go though things for one reason or another.

I am on drugs tramodol and fenegren now... hopefully none later! I am ready to just stop and pour my drugs out by faith. I can't yet. I need not be in pain all day. I have people depending on me. I want to be dependable but how when I can't hold a solid train of thought. Grrrrr angry!!!!

what do I do besides complain..............................................................................................